An Open Letter to My Cats

Dear fuzzballs,

It’s a good thing you guys are cute, else you would find yourself back out on the streets. And in this neighborhood, that means only one thing: coyote food.

I have had cats my entire life, and I can tell you that you two are the most destructive felines I have ever seen. I’m not too upset about the silhouette blinds as those already had a hole in them from something. But the leather couch in the living room is something else. I’ve figured out a way to fix it, but still…

And the door jambs? What’s up with that? You use the freakin’ door jambs as a scratching post when there is a perfectly good scratching tool not five feet away.

Your saving grace is that you are the only cats I have ever owned that don’t puke on a daily basis. At least that is something.

I’m always finding one of your toys soggy on the floor somewhere in the house. I’m sorry, did I say your toys? I meant my kids’ toys as you seem to like them pretty well. You actually open the drawer that has the rubber animals in it and drag them all over the house. But not before drowning them in your water dish. And you’d think that a Bionicle model would be safe, but no; you actively seek those out, too.

Let’s talk about my shoes. You know, the ones you have perforated? Why? Dogs do this, not cats. That needs to stop. Don’t tell me it’s because I’ve left them somewhere where they aren’t supposed to be because I’ve seen you go into my closet and do this, too. And speaking of the closet…leave my clothes on the hanger. I know you guys think that it’s a cool little cave, but don’t be dragging down my stuff. You messed with one of my favorite sweaters that way you little…

Now about your table manners. You shouldn’t have any since you are cats. You should stay down on the floor and eat. People eat at the table. You are not welcome to jump up on the table when we are eating to check it out. That thing with Thing 1’s yogurt this morning? Not cool. He shouldn’t have to fight you off for his food.

This is to you Chase (monster sized cat that you are): your sleeping habits leave a lot to be desired. You are a BIG cat and when you sprawl at the foot of my bed, you take up so much space that there isn’t room for me. I’m having enough sleep issues as it is, I don’t need this added to it. Go sleep on the floor; you do that the during the day anyway. In the middle of the kitchen floor, IN THE WAY OF EVERYTHING!

The last thing I’d like to address with you is your appalling lack of consideration while I am practicing. If you must come into the music room to hear me practice, I expect you to stay on your side of the room. DO NOT HELP ME WITH MY BOWING! Whacking you on the head (don’t freak out dear readers, it was a light whacking) with my bow only seems to encourage you more, which is unfortunate. You need to stop this.

All that aside, you are great cats. You are sweet, affectionate, and endlessly entertaining. Just remember: the people in this house have opposable thumbs and are higher up on the food chain than you.

Don’t push it.

Melissa

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8 responses to “An Open Letter to My Cats

  1. Cute story. I had a cat growing up, and two when I was a teenager (my sister’s roommate couldn’t keep hers, but couldn’t see putting it down just for that reason, so she gave her to my parents). They are amusing animals, to be sure. Funny post.

  2. Reading this makes me really glad that Ms. Kitty is a feral cat who prefers to be outside rather than in.
    Hugs and blessings,

  3. OMG, I think your cats lost a sister in Ohio and she now lives in my house. Seriously. Only add all those things you are mad about with meanness. Yeah, everyone but my hubby is scared of our cat. Me, my kids, the neighbors, EVERYone.

    I would give mine away but I think she’d come back. And then she’d finish taking over the place. *gulp*

  4. anglophilefootballfanatic

    I know you are serious about coyotes. They’re a huge issue in my brother’s neighborhood (Bee Cave/Barton Creek area)…I hope the kitties behave before you throw them outside.

  5. Oh yeah coyote food.

    You know what? Check my blog tomorrow for an open letter to you about this.

    And remind me to plug the book club too.

  6. My mother had a way of dealing with cats that she grew tired of. She “took them to the farm”. Now, whether she truly did, or she put them down, I’m still not sure to this day, but that’s what I was told about the cat my sister had before I was born. As for my cat, her nickname was the “surgeon” because she was brutally cruel to many animals (and liked to show the results of her cruelty at the front door). She was “hired” (i.e., we got her) to get rid of the squirrel problem (one died in the attic) so she did her job. She never went to the farm. šŸ™‚ She died after a final battle with a possum at age eighteen (and no, the possum did not kill her, she just passed on the next day)/

  7. Okay will not get to the blog thing sorry. Here’s the riff in raw unfinished sorts:

    We live next to a nature preserve and this adds another predator: crocodiles. Or alligators. I can never tell them apart. And, as with snakes, do not plan to get close enough to tell.

    Poisonous snakes versus non poisonous snakes: shape of pupil

    LIKE I WILL STARE INTO THEIR BEADY EYES!

    Crocodiles v. alligators: something to do with the teeth or jaw.

    LIKE I WILL ASK THEM TO HOLD TIGHT FOR A DENTAL EXAM!

    Wait, cats, not reptiles. Right.

    Okay there was this show on Animal Planet the kids and I watched about cats that sound just like yours. They said they were bored and needed more stimulation so…they converted an entire room into a MDF and carpet cat jungle. I kid not.

    Maybe you can hang carpet squares on a wall and make them climb that to some cat platform near the ceiling. Oh and make sure to fill those plastic treat balls with food and hang those on sisal rope from the platform.

    or go on a reality TV show and have some expert do it for you.

    Or my neighbor’s favorite solution: those plug in calming pheromone thingies. Like air freshners, only pheromones.

  8. imbeingheldhostage

    Do you mind if I print this out and mail it to my house? I don’t have cats, but pretty much all of this applies to my children. *sigh*
    Glad to make a new bloggy friend (I almost typed “bloogy”, could’ve lost the new friend in one comment).
    Great place you have here. I’ll be back šŸ™‚

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