This is what’s wrong with kids today…

It’s the first day of school. Yippee!! Oh, I mean, awww, the summer is over. 🙂

Since it’s the first day of school and all, my friends and I have a tradition of pedicures and lunch. It’s fun, it’s relaxing, and there isn’t a kid in sight. Bliss.

But as I’m in my pedicure chair enjoying my princess treatment, I look over to the other side of the salon and see these:

Pint sized pedicure chairs. With attached DVD players.

This? Is wrong. On so many different levels. And proof way beyond a reasonable doubt that I do in fact live in Stepford.

Pick Two

This seems to be the story of my life lately.

Some of you may get the reference, but for those who don’t, here’s the context:

Your (enter name of project here) can be done quickly, well, and under budget. Pick two.

Let’s start with the DIY. Ideally, I would have wanted a high quality project done quickly and cheaply. Well, of those three, cheap is not negotiable. So I’m doing it myself and it is taking me a while. But the other two parameters have been met and that’s cool. Even if it means I don’t finish before leaving town this week.

And then there’s daily life. Clean the house, run errands, and help the kids with their stuff. A car with good gas mileage, cargo capacity, and reasonably priced. Food (both eat out and home cooked) that is easy/fast, inexpensive, and healthy. Pick two.

Anyway, it just seems to me that lately I’m having to decide what is more important and just working with what I can the best I can. Some days it works, like the DIY. Others? Well, not so much. Sometimes that leftover third isn’t as negotiable as you would like to think and you end up having to compensate in other ways later on. Like if I always picked “clean house” over “help kids”, I’d have a fabulous house, but crappy kids. But I can’t always pick “help kids” either without being shut down by the board of health.

And how about this one? Read blogs, write my blog, go out and do something worth blogging about. Pick two. ‘Twas ever thus….

*******

A note to my 5000th visitor: Yes, I know who you are. And I know where you live. If you will admit to reading my blog by posting a comment I will send you some sort of something to be determined later. Probably something grandchild themed. And yes, I know I have royally embarrassed you, but hey! What else is a family for?

Ve haff our vays…..

So after dropping the Things off at VBS, I stopped off at my local crack den (also known as Home Depot) to make some returns of supplies I won’t be using during my DIY project. Anyway, since I have been there so much recently and have so many receipts floating around, I couldn’t lay my hands on one the the receipts I needed.

I get up to the counter, and “Natasha” is on duty (she is really great btw, I wish I could use her real name here and give her some props, but oh well…). “Natasha” is Russian with a fairly heavy accent, which made the following exchange amusing. At least to me anyway. Your mileage may vary.

Me: Good morning! I have some things to return, but I don’t have receipts for all of them. Is that going to be a problem.

Natasha: Iz no problem. We haff a wery generous return policy at ze Home Depot.

Me: Ok, great then.

Natasha: And bezidez, if we haff your debit card, I can get your data off of ze computer.

Me: Excuse me?

Natasha: Da. All of your information iz right heer in computer.

Me: Wow. That’s convenient. Scary, but convenient.

Natasha: Yes, our system keeps track of everythink you do here.

Me: I’m sure it does.

Natasha: Here iz your cash. Sank you for shoppink at ze Home Depot.

This wouldn’t have been nearly as amusing without the Russian accent. After learning what their point of sale system did, I kept expecting her to ask “paperz, pleeze” or if I had “zeen Moose und Squirrel.” I’ve always called it the Home Despot. Now I know why.

***Just to clarify, I’m not laughing at the accent. I’m laughing at the subject matter (big brother type information systems), with the Russian accent. I guess you had to be there…

I need adult supervision.

Spouse is out of town this week, and this means one thing: DIY.

I undertake a lot of projects when Spouse leaves. And not just little ones, either. Ginormous (I’m so glad that’s now an official word) can’t go back on type projects. Like ripping down the ghastly wallpaper in the kitchen and retexturing/painting.

So, what am I doing now? (Spouse is totally sweating it out right about now….:))

Nothing. (Sigh of relief from Spouse)

Of course that didn’t stop me from wandering the aisles of Home Depot today, just ooohing and aaaahing over the possibilities.

I wander HD like some people go to the mall. I just look around, check out the fixtures, the flooring, just taking it all in. Of course, most people don’t walk the mall with a notepad to write down price estimates to mull over later….

And then I wander into the paint section. This is where the danger lurks. I LOVE to paint. And as far as home projects go, it is a quick fix. It’s pretty cheap and the results are dramatic. If you don’t like it, it’s easy to change.

But I did find some great tile for our bath (on sale!), the right color stain for our kitchen cabinets, and some ideas for our bed/bath. I didn’t buy anything. Yet. I’m trying to decide if I want to redo the cabinets before…well that’s another blog post. 🙂

But I’m glad this is a short trip. Without adult supervision, I might just go off and start something that I’ll have to finish. Because it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Right, Spouse? 🙂

Not sure how I would spell out a primal scream…

but if I did, that would be the title of this post.

So as my two loyal readers know, I substitute teach. That’s part of the reason I haven’t been posting as much lately because I can’t stay up too late to look at blogs and I can’t write posts first thing in the morning like I used to. At least not every day. And since there are only 15 and a half days left of school, and two vacations I want to take this summer, I am trying to work as much as I possibly can.

Anyway, before I tell you why the primal scream, I need to update you on some goings on in the household or the rest of this will make less sense than usual.

Spouse and I, after much gnashing of teeth and renting of clothes, have decided to transfer the Things to another school. The new school uses the IB (International Baccalaureate) Primary Years Curriculum. It’s still in our district and not that far from our house (just by the Home Depot I like to haunt…how expensive do you think THAT will be long term?). It has a much smaller student body and I think that overall it is the right decision. Part of my reasoning for moving the soon to be fifth grader was because the fifth grade team at the current school is a mess and will be having 75% turnover next year. And the ones staying don’t exactly inspire me.

Today I subbed in the fifth grade and I was subbing for one of the math/science teachers. Today’s project was pretty cool: we were starting to build model rockets. This is something I could actually contribute on since I have built them with the Things in the past. They were your standard issue Estes rockets, nothing really fancy. All you have to do is follow the directions and you are fine.

So did we do that? No. She had her OWN directions to follow, ones that are going to make things difficult a bit later. But whatever, I’m just the sub right? So I helped out just kept my mouth shut. During the afternoon time, the third m/s teacher comes into our lab and tells us she’s uncomfortable with “all this technical stuff” and could someone help her out. Since the teacher I was subbing for was actually there (she had to administer a TAKS retest in Spanish today and the student finished early), I was sent down to this other teacher’s room and I taught the lesson. A totally unprepared sub was better at teaching this lesson than the science teacher.

While in there, this teacher admitted to me that science makes her uncomfortable and had done no prep work for this topic at all.

A science teacher. Uncomfortable with her subject. And this is one of the ones who is STAYING.

Hence the primal scream. And Spouse, since I know you are reading this, TOTAL justification for our decision.

The Lives of the Bold, Restless Children in the Hospital have the Light of the World

This post is part of the Monday Mission. Today’s mission: write your post in the form of a soap opera. For more missions operatives, visit Painted Maypole.

When we last left off….

Melissa’s over commitment causes things to come slightly unhinged in the household. There is much to be done around the humble abode, and she takes a day or two to try and deal with it. But something awaits.

Melissa: There. The laundry is started, the next couple of loads are queued up, and I have an action plan for the rest of the day. I think I’ll take a few minutes to eat some breakfast and read my very favorite blog in the entire universe, Painted Maypole.

A Voice: Ahem.

M: What was that?

A Voice: Just what do you think you are doing?

M: Who is that? Are you talking to me?

V: Oh please, no quoting DeNiro. It’s much too early for that kind of humor. But yes, I am talking to you, seeing as how you are the only sentient being in the house at the moment. Besides me and my brethren, of course.

M: I get the feeling that you aren’t one of the cats.

V: Snort. Oh please. Those hairballs? If you put your ear up to their heads, you can hear a dial tone.

M: So who and what are you?

V: My name is Lepus.

M: Lepus? What is a Lepus?

V: I am a dust bunny. And I am here to warn you.

M: Warn me?

V: Yes, warn you. My brethren and I like it here. So much so that we are starting an active campaign to bring others of our kind from other homes to settle here.

M: Is this some subtle jab at my housekeeping skills?

V: No. It’s not subtle. We like it here. We feel safe.

M: Well, not for long. I intend on some massive cleaning over the next few days so you guys are going to have to find some new digs.

V: Yes, we heard you talking to yourself about that this morning. By the way, that’s not healthy. Perhaps you should see someone about that.

M: Very funny. But seriously, I am going to get some cleaning done over the next few days, so you’ll have to be moving on or you’ll end up in my vacuum cleaner.

V: And that’s why I’m warning you. The Brethren will stop at nothing to protect their home. We will let nothing stand in our way.

M: This is a joke, right? What can a bunch of dust bunnies do?

V: Do not underestimate the power of the dust. We will have our way.

M: I’m not afraid.

V: Oh, but you will be (cue evil music)

Will Melissa get the house clean before Lepus and The Brethren take over? Or will she and her family become slaves to their empire? Stay tuned…

There really IS a sequel!

Remember Banana Watch? And I was teasing about a sequel? Well, I could really do one!

We eat a lot of cheese here. And I really need some blog fodder. Hmmm….

Just Say No!

I did it! I said no! Aren’t you all proud of me?

Here’s what happened:

On Monday, I got an email from the wedding party that I was going to play in on Saturday. This was supposed to be a simple wedding, not a lot of frou frou. All I was going to play was the processional and recessional. Not a problem. Well, apparently, she met up with an organist who gave her all kinds of dangerous ideas and the scope of this increased dramatically. I was now to play about 15-20 minutes of preludes, music during communion, and something I had never heard of, and would have no time to rehearse with the organist, for the recessional.

I said no. I was very polite about the whole thing, but I still said no. I used contacts I have to find her someone who could do something like that at the last minute, so it’s not like I left her in a lurch or anything. It’s all good. But I didn’t feel the need to try and grant her last minute wishes or anything like that. It wasn’t what I had agreed to do, so I felt ok in backing out. A few weeks ago I would have tried to scramble something together at the last minute and probably fallen on my face as a result. But ever since this post, I’ve been trying to be more careful about this sort of thing.

It’s nice to see the list of Things To Do grow shorter. Very relaxing.

Something to spend you tax refund on…

So I was at Target today, and I came across this:

That’s right boys and girls. That is a hair dryer. And it is $200.

Let’s remember that I was in TARGET, not Sharper Image or something like that. Target.

$200.

For a HAIR DRYER.

What will a $200 hair dryer do?

According to the Sephora website (any emphasis is mine and my commentary is in red):

Bespoke Labs Featherweight Dryer

What makes Bespoke Labs T3 different?

The Secret Ingredient: Flawless(TM), T3’s tourmaline technology. Flawless (TM), is T3’s proprietary method of harnessing the unique ionic and infrared properties of the tourmaline gemstone (so wait, is this a hair dryer or a piece of jewelry?) is the secret behind Bespoke Labs T3 tools’ success among stylists and celebrities.

Experience a part of backstage action (Ok, what exactly is that supposed to mean anyway? Do groupies come with this thing? Or, eeeewwww!) with the Special Edition Bespoke Labs T3 Featherweight dryer. Combining cutting-edge design with innovative technology, the famously light Featherweight is tailored with an exclusive pattern that makes no two identical, while boasting a unique, bejeweled handle that simultaneously serves as a secure grip (because I want my hair dryer to be as more accessorized than me).

What it does:
Through Flawless, T3’s proprietary manufacturing process, genuine Tourmaline gemstones are injected into the dryer’s ceramic components, enabling maximum negative ionic and far infrared heat production (like a heat lamp for burgers?), which together eliminate frizz and drying time while creating sleek and shiny hair. The Featherweight is further distinguished by its new softAire(TM) flow management chassis, which shapes incoming air into a controlled “cone” of enriched air turbulence (Oxymoron alert! Controlled turbulence!) that directs a concentrated amount of negative ions and far infrared heat onto large sections of hair for incredibly fast, even drying, culminating in an unparalleled styling experience (Oh, I get it! It’s a religious experience).

Features:

• 1800-watt, yet weighs a mere 13 ounces.
• Two speed settings, plus cool shot.
• Ionized concentrator.
• Generates negative ions and far infrared heat.
• The only dryer with a true ceramic heater
• Patented technology.
• Comprehensive, extensive warranty.

Benefits:

• At least 60 percent faster drying.
• Powerful, yet extremely lightweight.
• Leaves hair soft, smooth, and shiny and doesn’t damage hair like other blow-dryers.
• Eliminates the frizzy, “blow-dried” look with negative ions add moisture and sheen and close the cuticle layer to protect hair.

So there’s your $200 hair dryer. For $200, I want a little guy to come out and do my hair for me. You know, like a little gay Oompa Loompa (wish I would take credit for that one, that was from Spouse) who can make me all pretty each morning. Especially since I burn through hair dryers at the rate of one every 18 months. I guess that warranty would come in handy for me.

Anyway, this just seems a bit excessive to me. An odd thing to spend your money on in my opinion. And since this is my blog, it’s all about me, right? 🙂

This is why I have no blog fodder…

Or, as Spouse has just put it, it is blog fodder in and of itself. I think it is his way of complaining about a few things that are, or are not as the case may be, going on around here.

Hi. My name is Melissa, and I’m over committed.

Hi, Melissa!

I’ve gone and done it again.

I didn’t mean to. It just sort of snuck up on me.

It was so gradual. You know, like that story of the frog in the frying pan? Have you heard that? See, if you throw a frog into an already hot frying pan, he will wisely jump out. But if you put him in a cold frying pan, and slowly turn up the heat, he will stay in there and become a delicacy.

Ribbit. Ribbit.

So here is the stuff I’ve got to deal with in the next few weeks:

1.Playing for a wedding on the 26th. Have I started practicing? As if.
2.Lead church book club discussion on the 30th. For a book that I don’t want to read. I mean seriously Do.Not.Want.To.Read. Shoot me.
3.Help kids get ready for QUEST presentations on 4/16 and 4/23.
4.Prepare for concert series weekend of 5/16. With extra rehearsals this and next Thursday.
5.Get stuff organized for set up and take down of VBS (hey Spouse, guess what?)

This is in addition to:

1.The normal crap that needs to get done around the house.
2.Taking on the leadership of the Women’s Ministry at my church. What was I thinking?!?!?!
3.Trying to sub at least two days per week.
4.The Spanish
5.Working out. Which I really need to get back on the stick about because some of the panic symptoms are resurfacing. After reviewing this list, is it any wonder?
6.Playing chauffeur for the kids.
7.Playing wife for the Spouse.
8.Trying to write blog content that might possibly be of interest to my two faithful readers.
9.Remember the book blog I wanted to do? Still trying.
10.Picking up another writing project.

I haven’t done this to myself in a while. But like I said, it just sort of crept up on me and now I have to slog through it all.

I really thought I had reformed. I was so good for a while. I would just reflexively say no, then if it was something that I was interested in, I would call back after having consulted my calendar.

Sigh.

But I guess all of this other crap in my head has pushed out anything that would be remotely interesting to write. Sorry. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll be fun again. But in the meantime, I’ll be going back to the mirror and practicing saying “No”.

Time to hop to it. Ribbit.